Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

Forget to criticize, but never forget to enjoy criticism.

Using only nonnarrative portions of the Bible to interpret narrative is not only disrespectful to the narrative portions but also suggests a misguided approach to nonnarrative parts of the Bible.

Doesn't matter how menial may be the job that you're doing today. If you have dreams, that will turn into something positive in the future.

At night I read and write, and things I have never understood become clear; I reap the harvest of the rest of the year's planting

Battles are won in the trenches, in the grit and grime of courageous determination; they are won day by day in the arena of life.

My characters are never heroic. They are mostly lost and trying to find the right door to open and they end up opening the wrong doors.

A son is like a lopped off branch. As a falcon he comes when he wills and goes where he lists.

That’s the one nice thing about being a dork about men: you can sometimes play it off as restrained and classy.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions.