Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Learn to combine the Power of The Heart and mind into one force to create your desires.

Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.

I never realized before this the emotional power of some really simple, corny tropes: people with top hats, people with batons, confetti going off, how important it is to smile.

There’s no such thing as perfection, and life is not a race.

I have a dream of getting a visa, which is a dream that many people have so they can leave their countries to come someplace else, specifically they want to come to the United States.

All the world's a stage we're going through.

An abstract title suggests another value to the subject, perhaps an artistic quality that sets the viewers' sensitivities into action.

In the British military system, there is a very strict chain of command. Americans just want to win, and the correct strategy may be to speak directly to the men.

The search for the right answer is the enemy of art.