Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I wanted to shout down to him, to warn him that he was giving flowers to a monster, but I did not.

Happiness is the longing for repetition.

We have to make the right decisions.

The greatest job that any mother will ever do will be in nurturing, teaching, lifting, encouraging and rearing her children in righteousness and truth. None other can adequately take her place.

They kept me in short pants as long as they could, until they were shaving the hair on my legs because it was beginning to photograph.

Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy.

Before Turner there was no fog in London.

If you miss Christ you miss everything, and if you have Christ you have everything.