Parenting: Nobody really wants the job, but everybody thinks they can do better.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?

We all move on from history to chance, sorrow to sorrow, hope to hope, joy to joy. Read the book of fiction on the theme. its title is FROM HISTORY TO CHANCE

The first book of the nation is the dictionary of its language.

O thou of little faith why didst thou doubt?

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

The spoken word is man's physician in grief. For this alone has soothing charms for the soul.

As music becomes more computer-based, it's lost some emotional impact.

Anyone could write a novel given six weeks, pen paper, and no telephone or wife.

I create because it makes me connected to something larger than myself.

Racism, specifically, is the state-sanctioned or extralegal production and exploitation of group-differentiated vulnerability to premature death.

Lenin said that people vote with their feet. Well, that's what's happening. They either go, or they don't go. It's all politics. It's all demographics.