Part of standup is being loose and having a good time yourself and that translates to the audience.

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

Poors are Gift of Rich And Politics

One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of shore for a very long time.

We have multi-generations coming to our show.

From the paths of blood (and such is the history of nations) I cannot refuse to turn aside to gather some flowers of science or virtue.

One kills a man, one is an assassin; one kills millions, one is a conqueror; one kills everybody, one is a god.

I'm proud of my medals. I always was proud of them.

Everyone wants to see someone shoot someone in the head.

Material abundance without character is the surest way to destruction.

In my mind, I'm always the best. If I walk out on the court (and) I think the next person is better, I've already lost.

I don't know if memoirs can produce literary work of the first order. But I do know that novels are doing it only rarely.