Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

I think the influence of books is neither direct and more predictable. Books themselves are too unruly, and so are readers.

Either men will learn to live like brothers, or they will die like beasts.

We have no leadership. And honestly, that starts with Secretary Hillary Clinton.

You can want success all you want, but to get it, you can’t falter. You can’t slip. You can’t sleep. One eye open, for real, and forever.

I love to play for audiences that are simply made of people rather than so-called special people.

I thought the original Communist revolutionaries coordinated themselves a bit better and didn't go around shouting about it.

I always thought I was going to be a dancer and then fashion kind of took over.

So, I completely and utterly support David and Gillian's decision to go to Los Angeles, but I think that Vancouver is the perfect location for the show.

Death comes to us all; we can only choose how to face it when it comes.

Oh, here he comes now, the May West of pro-wrestling.