People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!'

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Always remember: everything you do uses a portion of someone else's life.

Dear God, teach me to be careless.

My dad always used to encourage me to dress weird.

Eating a tuna roll at a sushi restaurant should be considered no more environmentally benign than driving a Hummer or harpooning a manatee.

The mob gets out of hand, runs wild, worse than raging fire, while the man who stands apart is called a coward.

As government grows, its increased power to grant favors or inflict pain attracts more people who would abuse the system.

Over my slumbers your loving watch keep; Rock me to sleep, mother; rock me to sleep.

What I'm hoping to do and what I think I will do is make an entertaining enjoyable show where the whole family can sit down and watch.

If you could walk a mile in my shoes you'd be crazy too.

Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him not for his counsellor.