People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.

I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

Life, to me, is like fishing: you won’t catch anything until you start, and every year you get older is another year the fish might slip through the net.

If we held grudges for all the idiotic things we said and did as freshman and sophomores, the hallways would be silent.

Democracy sometimes appears paralyzed by those who take advantage of its freedoms in order to abuse them for undemocratic ends.

I want the same one, the way she always is, without failures, without fights, without bad memories.

Love turns one person into two; and two into one.

Your habits determine your outcomes.

Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.

In the strange heat all litigation brings to bear on things, the very process of litigation fosters the most profound misunderstandings in the world.

Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22.

If you avoid the killer diseases and keep the degenerative ones under control with sensible diet and exercise and whatever chemotherapy you need to stay in balance, you can live nearly forever.