People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

All human errors are impatience, a premature breaking off of methodical procedure, an apparent fencing-in of what is apparently at issue.

Were people to mingle only with those of like mind, every man would be an insulate being." Thomas Jefferson

I was absent at the moment I took up the most space.

Don't join the book burners!

The simple truth is that everyone has an opinion, everyone has the right to voice it, and they should if they want to.

If by religion we mean a belief in humanity rather than the gods, an effort to make man better and a little happier, then yes, I'm very religious.

I remember even getting kicked out of a bar once because I was too loud and obnoxious.

You know there are very few Marxists left in the world... they're all in American universities.

Even the best documentaries reach tens of thousands in their cinematic window. I believe that by launching online, we could potentially reach millions.

No matter how high or great the throne, What sits on it is the same as your own.