People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

We must experience certain things in life, even in our childhood, so we can later look back and value the journey.

The first sentence of every novel should be: Trust me, this will take time but there is order here, very faint, very human.

Finally liberty has come!

The first purpose of prayer is to know God.

I love hockey, and I don't love it for any other reason than when I get out there and play, I enjoy it.

It is a secret both in nature and state, that it is safer to change many things than one.

Education is essential to change, for education creates both new wants and the ability to satisfy them.

When we begin to take our failures non-seriously, it means we are ceasing to be afraid of them.

We are members of a strange species that devotes its energies to climbing the ladder of success in order to make money to buy things we don't like.