People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It got pretty heavy actually, I almost had to host.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

You will never find peace when the need you cling to is not the want you desire. But when does a want become a need... when it is all you think about?

While the rest of the world has been improving technology, Ghana has been improving the quality of mans humanity to a man.

Send a solid idea to beyond this universe!A neighbour universe will soon be existed.

I am so far from being a pessimist...on the contrary, in spite of my scars, I am tickled to death at life.

I think most of the people, once you see a Kiss show, you kinda get spoiled because I don't think there's anybody out there that's doing a bigger or a better show than us.

Had I not been told to look, I would have quite, ignorant of what was really there, because I had 'made plans' and was wearing visual and emotional blinders that limited my perceptions and my vision.

There aren't many sins in my bible. Giving up is the greatest one of all.

I felt like we would have definitely won an NBA championship if everyone was healthy.

The most potent thing we can do is to bring more compassion online.

Most Americans in both red and blue states reject and resent the message being sent by Hollywood and some in the media that values are subjective, to be defined by the individual and not by God.