People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

But the thought of moving on from something I never had is depressing.

You can't have something without nothing.

Maman used to say that you can always find something to be happy about.

Low aim, not failure, is the crime.

A well-balanced person is one who finds both sides of an issue laughable.

The buying of time or space is not the taking out of a hunting license on someone else's private preserve but is the renting of a stage on which we may perform.

I believe that poets have to be inside their poems somewhere, or the poem won't work.

I'd love to be approached to do ordinary things more.

I can't tell you the number of times I've been in the middle of a perfunctory conversation, and someone will say, 'Tell us what you really think.' Or 'Maybe you should switch to decaf.

I worked hard in gymnastics since the time I was six years old until I retired at 23 years of age.