People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

People who enroll themselves in the schools of pride, eventually graduate with and high degree of fall. Failure employs “prides” scholars. Get rusticated now!

It is time to end a story that began in sorrow and ordeal and has ended in a deep and lasting happiness. May it be so for others.

Nobody is as powerful as we make them out to be.

Just be loving. You also have to recognize that you need to take the focus off yourself and put it on your children to give them a proper start in life.

God's love is not wearied by our sins & is relentless in its determination that we be cured at whatever cost to us or Him

At first, when I got bad press and people would talk bad about my family or something like that, I would get really upset, but now it's just not worth my energy.

Speed is irrelevant if you are going in the wrong direction.

Why should I fear? I am on a Royal Mission. I am in the service of the King of kings.

By the fall a poison was handed to mankind through a woman [Eve], by the Redemption man was given salvation also through a woman [Mary].

Is it not strange, that an infant should be heir of the whole world, and see those mysteries which the books of the learned never unfold?