People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

come on, you shouldn't continue to disturb your mind with everything. Avoid thinking about anything at all, leave something, keep something and think about something!

When there is no owner, there will be an abuser.

The face of self-pity was universally understood.

When you want to arrive at your goal more than you want to be doing what you're doing, you become stressed.

In Lascaux and other sites, hoofs are depicted to show their underside, or hoofprint.

Under the pink Harlequin sunglasses strawberry dangling charms, and sugar-frosted eyeshadow she was really almost beautiful.

Millions of people toil in the shadow of the law we make, and much of their livelihood is made possible by the existence of intellectual property rights.

I've chosen to GROW, to EXPAND, to INCREASE and to become RICHER - because i want to BLESS the world more.

To wear dreams on one's feet is to begin to give reality to one's dreams.

I think trusting your instincts and doing what is right by you is the most important thing, because at the end of the day you go to bed and you wake up as you.