People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

Character isn't something you were born with and can't change, like your fingerprints. It's something you weren't born with and must take responsibility for forming.

The world is fine. Our place on it is precarious.

To confess your sins to God is not to tell [God] anything [God] doesn't already know. Until you confess them, however, they are the abyss between you. When you confess them, they become the bridge.

Never think oldish thoughts. It's oldish thoughts that make a person old.

The wing of the Falcon brings to the king, the wing if the crow brings him to the cemetery.

Every fresh acquirement is another remedy against affliction and time.

I'm a grandmother, and a mighty proud one.

The greatest hindrance to living is expectancy, which depends upon tomorrow and wastes today

Follow the trend lines, not the headlines.