People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Nothing is pending in the world…nothing is finished, yet nothing is unresolved…Everything is filled to the brim.

Religious beliefs...should never be an excuse to treat people badly.

Drugs didn't work out too well for me.

My kids motivate me to keep moving forward. My kids are my everything.

I realized that I needed to know more about the business side of things. I don't like feeling uneducated about things, and feeling uneducated about my own business felt ridiculous.

People resent articulacy, as if articulacy were a form of vice.

I believe in what I do, and I'll say it.

If the Americans do move the embassy to Jerusalem, and eventually the rest of the world follows suit, it will mark the end of Palestinian hopes for a two-state solution.

Many scammers are only using personal checks for payment because they can take the money and run.

When you're young, there's a whole lot of stuff you say you'll never do. Once you get a little older, the list tends to get shorter.