People don't realize, or maybe they've forgotten, that there was a time in history when standup comedy wasn't something that you had to hide your kids' ears from.

Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can't see, or a guy who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?

If we all die and there is no God, then it's just eternal unconsciousness, you'll never know, but if you're wrong... you'll know forever.

Get out of our schools God, get out of our textbooks God, get out of our government God, go away God, go away God, go away God, Katrina hits, God, where are you?

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth. Or, I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, You offended me then you say I don't care! If they're offended by the truth, that's their issue!

Talk about sexist - have you ever, ever, heard someone come up to a woman and say 'find your masculine side?' And by the way women, if you find your masculine side - I'm not interested.

If God is a crutch, then atheism is a coma.

I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.

If the truth conflicts with my beliefs, I change my beliefs.

I don't hate cats...as long as they stay on the freeway, where they belong.

The best defense is a confusing offense.

your facethrough the blurred visionof my disillusioned eyesmergeswith the rest of them.

'But even I know that in your line of work, there's a difference between being a volunteer and being volun-told.'

For a long time, our only mode of travel was an Econoline van. Eleven of us, with nine sleeping in the back on two mattresses.

I've had a lot of movies that didn't get great numbers on test screening, but a lot of times the film was able to survive, or the studio still stayed and supported it.

In the mere observation of yourself, you begin the process of healing and transformation.

I believe God will make a way.

The most basic of conservative principles is that if you reward bad behavior you get more of it.

I get up at the same time every morning.

Growing up in the place I did I never was aware of any other option but to question everything.