People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The greatest duty is to know, love and obey God.

It's the game of life. Do I win or do I lose? One day they're gonna shut the game down. I gotta have as much fun and go around the board as many times as I can before it's my turn to leave.

I've lived on my own since I was 18, and I really love living alone. That, to me, is just great.

I often say to my assistants, "Never trust anybody," but what I mean is that you should never trust someone else to do a job exactly the way you would want it done.

Men have been trained and conditioned by women, not unlike the way Pavlov conditioned his dogs, into becoming their slaves.

Every experience has its element of magic.

The perpetual work of your life is but to lay the foundation of death.

...Night has chosen thee; thy death will be thy birth. Night calls to thee; harken to Her sweet voice. Your destiny awaits you at the House of Night.

Musical people always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be perfectly deaf.

If you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out. Nothing can come out of you that is not in you. If when you are pressured, anger comes out, it is not the fault of the person who pressured.