People go into cartooning because they're shy and they're angry. That's when you're sitting in the back of a classroom drawing the teacher.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

It's easier for a rich man to ride that camel through the eye of a needle directly into the Kingdom of Heaven, than for some of us to give up our cell phone.

I don't know, the word 'famous' just sounds really weird to me, because I'm just me.

Any time you burn a cross in Virginia, it's a crime?

I went to college to play football, not to study it.

The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close-up.

I'm swanning round the world looking at the most fabulously interesting things. Such good fortune.

Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.

I try not to confuse roles and traits in my own life. Being the Perl god is a role. Being a stubborn cuss is a trait.

The idea of heaven is Christianity's way of creating a hell on earth.

Fundamentalists of all faiths are the fundamental evil of our time.