People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

All that happened before is part of the process that brought you to now. And that is all. Just a step along the way.

Fate does not bend for us-we must bend to it.

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine.

I listen to both oldies and contemporary stations. I enjoy listening to current stuff because there's an energy to it that's inspiring.

I'm kind of like, "never say never."

It requires a certain kind of mind to see beauty in a hamburger bun.

Japan needs to cooperate with China economically. This is understood better by the business community than the government.

A good mind is a lord of a kingdom.

I realize that nothing's as it seems.