People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Regarding war and peace—the seed of each is planted in the other.

J.W. and Roy didn’t just snatch the childhood away from Emmett

That's two full days away. Maybe, if I'm not dead by then, I can still take Sophie.

Any object, intensely regarded, may be a gate of access to the incorruptible eon of the gods.

Without courage all other virtues lose their meaning.

Private jets cost a lot of money.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

Our generation does not want its epitaph to read, 'We kept charity overhead low.' We want it to read that we changed the world.

I enjoy meeting someone and then really getting to know them and then falling in love.

Sleep, nature's rest, divine tranquility, That brings peace to the mind.