People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

Don’t blame others. it won’t make you a better person.

We cling to words like drowning men to straws. But still we drown, we drown.

Hatred was a plant of slow growth.

Egypt is coming back - is becoming - is going to become, you know, a center of excellence for the region and maybe for the rest of the world.

Beware of pretty faces that you find, a pretty face can hide an evil mind.

I totally bristle against words like "dysfunction" or "abuse."

Orthodoxy cannot afford to put out the fires of hell.

Age has extremely little to do with anything that matters. The difference between one age and another is, as a rule, enormously exaggerated.

If you can't find anybody else, then I'll go. So, they couldn't find anybody else. So, I went.