People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Don’t tell me you have OCD about this?”“OCD, ADHD—pretty sure if they come up with some new acronym tomorrow I’d have it.

Every day, tell at least one person something you like, admire, or appreciate about them.

Much of life is about failure, whether we acknowledge it or not, and your destiny is profoundly shaped by how effectively you learn from and adapt to failure.

Forgiveness isn't an end in itself. The point of forgiveness is to remove the barrier that stands between us and God so that He can give us His Spirit and bring us into His everlasting family.

It's not about knowing all the gimmicks and photo tricks. If you haven't got the eye, no program will give it to you.

So many stories, and to choose which ones to tell and how to tell them. The words, they will tap me on the shoulder and they will speak to me: Tell me! Tell me! The stories choose me.

It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there.

Adhere to the Truth rather than to the personality, and take to heart the Truth rather than the authority of another.

Wit, to be well defined, must be defined by wit itself; then it will be worth listening to.

Be kind. Every person you meet is fighting a difficult battle.