People may say that what I do is very clever, but it's not really at all. It's not Swift.

Multimedia? As far as I'm concerned, it's reading with the radio on!

Politics now is rather like going into Starbucks for a coffee.

In a more intellectually rigorous age, I wouldn't be talked about as a satirist at all. I would just be a topical comedian.

It is almost impossible to say the name of Thai prime minister Yingluck Shinawat without adding 'give a dog a bone'

When you consider what Tony Blair was saying about liberty, human rights and that sort of thing, it would be terribly revolutionary to sell the speeches he and Jack Straw made in 1994.

I had an Edinburgh, middle-class childhood and a public school education.

Now I'm instantly nervous about the demands of doing a weekly column.

I am just fascinated by this reassurance from a menacing figure. It is rather frightening.

Tony Blair has always said he will be judged by history. Now Alastair Campbell is history we await his judgment.

I used to do my Nelson Mandela voice to blag restaurant tables in Cape Town. It rarely worked. Now what a great city that is.

Critique by creating.

In the end, it all comes down to the Blood...

Government! Three fourths parasitic and the other fourth Stupid fumbling.

He bit back a weary sigh and tried to remember strangling her would solve squat.

Virtue consists not in abstaining from vice but in not desiring it.

I was not born to amuse the Tsars.

You don't need money to go big.

They dined on mince, and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon.

Talent is our No.1 operating priority and our most important asset.

Well, art has to be sexy.