People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.

In terms of being a famous person, it hasn't changed anything. It's not important for me.

As a matter of self-preservation, a man needs good friends or ardent enemies, for the former instruct him and the latter take him to task.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but its happening.

There is a process of social and of political differentiation going on in the real working class all the time.

The Church is a house with a hundred gates: and no two men enter at exactly the same angle

They enslave their children's children who make compromise with sin.

It's beautiful when you watch something good happen to somebody when it's well deserved.

When sculpting the human figure in stone it is necessary to draw the whole form out of the content of the head.