People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

I have layer upon layer of thoughts in my head and the bottom one has nothing to grip on to.

I'm looking for someone to quench my thirst-for all eternity" -Luna Maxwell

mass indoctrination of uneducated young men with such ideas is in itself a lethal danger to society and to international order.

You have to fight for your dream, but you also have to feel fortunate for what you have.

And I thank God I believe in God, or I would probably be enormously angry right now.

I'm probably more famous for sitting on the toilet than for anything else that I do.

What is the government? Nothing, unless supported by opinion.

We in government should learn to look at our country with the eyes of the entrepreneur, seeing possibilities where others see only problems

You are no stronger than your belief system.