People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I never felt so large and important as I did when being in love was everything. I saw you walking a foot above the earth and I remembered that was where I used to walk.

I'm a basketball player. That's what I do and what I love but that's just not all who I am. I'm talented in a lot of different areas.

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

I raised my prices since there wasn't any competition it was just the smart thing to do. Why would I keep my prices up if their wasn't anyone to beat?

I never make a prediction that can be proved wrong within 24 hours.

We seek to create a united Democratic and non-racial society.

I like listening to old soul music. I like Sam Cooke. When I was growing up, the first things I was listening to was Whitney Houston and Cher. They were really big inspirations for me.

I seem to use this word 'kind' very frequently. When one is unhappy or anxious it is a quality one dwells on.

The more we deploy the technologies to capture wind and solar power, the cheaper those technologies become.

Hitler was the fate of Germany and this fate could not be stayed.