People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

the ballerina on perfected toeSpins to the axis of a fortitudeThat is the sum of all her yesterdays.

I'd prefer to die in Texas when I'm old. They say most good things end the same way they started, and that's where I entered the world, so that's how I'll leave it.

Can one be fully human without experiencing tragedy? The only tragedy there is in the world is ignorance; all evil comes from that.

Going through this musical experience really helped us to understand the core of the film.

If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time.

I've had a very laughable career and what has seen me through is my sense of humor.

I'm always working. Like a lot of creative people I can't switch off. I can't disassociate work from pleasure. My job is my hobby.

Truth to tell, we are all criminals if we remain silent.

To be truly challenging, a voyage, like a life, must rest on a firm foundation of financial unrest.

I'm hoping that what I am or what I'm not ethnically doesn't limit me in anyone else's eyes. I guarantee you it doesn't in mine.