People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

My life needs editing.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

The glory of God is as destructive of evil as it is creative of good.

There are few better ways to get to know how a species thinks than to learn their art.

I disapprove of what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

Every time I make a picture the critics' estimate of American public taste goes down ten percent.

Vampires should never say Uh-Oh!!

Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest I am automatically humble.

Charity is unconscious of itself, there is no accumulation first and then distribution. It is like the flower - natural, open, spontaneous.

If the white man ain't the devil, he's been aiming at the history of the Americans.

When your mission is to restore honor and integrity to the White House, you've got to be willing to use any means necessary.

Look around you: there is not a doctor who desires the health of his friends, not a soldier who desires peace for his country.