People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

No mere mortal can do what the Son of man did

My mom, who gave me my confidence growing up. She's the one that always told me that I could be great and to never stop. And myself. Because I came such a long way.

For the lesser evil is reckoned a good in comparison with the greater evil, since the lesser evil is rather to be chosen than the greater. .

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

If nature did not take delight in blood, She would have made more easy ways to good.

I wish it grew on trees, but it takes hard work to make money.

I use about 20 different colours to retain the luminance in my work.

If we say, 'The government sucks,' we're kind of saying that we suck.

The way brainwashing works is subtle and takes a long time.