People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Both positive and negative thinking can be formed in a child

Change is automatic, but progress is not. Death is certain, but LIVING a good life is a CHOICE

A problem is an opportunity to find a new way.

In Russia I went to a great yeshiva, and in America I work in a carnival.

Dammit, why isn’t there a book with the answers in it?

Walking with God will always bring victory.

Smile with instinct, then lick your wounds in the darkest of dark corners. Trace the scars back to your own fingers and remember them.

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!

Every day you've got running shoes on, it's a good day.

I'd rather be a non-All-Star playing in the Western Conference finals than an All-Star who's sitting at home in May.