People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

When the world shifts its focus on heart over mind, we will finally experience a beautiful global village for our children.

He buried his nose in his pillow and went to sleep—to dream of anything rather than getting on in the world, as a sensible young man in his position ought to have done.

Trust the horticulturalist: California's genius may be green, but it's underlying beauty is brown.

It's tough to watch a movie you're in - you put everything into it, you want everything to work, and you never know until you see it all together.

Why look for conspiracy when stupidity can explain so much

Distance running to a professional athlete in my day was five laps around the field. And you stopped each lap to take your pulse.

And knowing money is a root of evil, in Christian charity, he'd take away whatever things may hinder your salvation.

I believe we can accelerate our acumen, performance and success by leveraging our associations and spending time with people better than us.

I dont know whos left to hear us. But if there are people who want the real thing, weve got it. My band rocks, and I plan to keep doing it till nobody shows up to see it anymore.