People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

There is no such thing as death In nature nothing dies: From each sad moment of decay Some forms of life arise.

Marriage has made me a lot happier and I'm deeply in love with my wife, and I thank God for her every day.

You are not saved by the plan of salvation. You are saved by the man of salvation.

When you work with kids, you realize if they have a really good, stable family environment that they're going to be okay.

You cant put the toothpaste back in the tube.

In 1854 I took out a patent for puddling iron by means of steam.

As hard as I try to sound tough and dark, I still sound cute.

The first test of potential in mathematics is whether you can get anything out of geometry.

It doesn't matter how long my hair is or what colour my skin is or whether I'm a woman or a man.

Could we teach taste or genius by rules, they would be no longer taste and genius.