People will kill you over time. And how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like ‘be realistic’.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

When a man plays with your heart it is for one of two reasons: He knows he can or he is undecided.

Life is difficult and those who make us laugh are angels.

Never be afraid to cry. Sometimes, nothing can cleanse the heart more than a few wet tears.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

Watching 'The Sound of Music' is like being beaten to death by a Hallmark card.

The road to publication is like a churro - long and bumpy, but sweet.

There’s no such thing as too much champagne. Though your head will try to tell you otherwise tomorrow.

If you come into my house, I'm going to hurt you.

We're never going to escape the idea of being young. Which I don't mind myself. I mean, who wants to grow up anyway?

The universe may be as great as they say. But it wouldn't be missed if it didn't exist.