People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

When you are angry, do not speak, but close your eyes. You can regain your inner peace with a word of prayer.

Without constructive skepticism, without human progress.

God is the inevitability of humanity’s search for true meaning.

Head knowledge without heart knowledge is worse than useless; but when head and heart join forces, it changes our lives forever.

Well, I'm just quoting you when you [Donald Trump] were asked about a potential nuclear competition in Asia, you said, you know, go ahead, enjoy yourselves, folks.

Used properly, cinema is the coolest thing in the world.

Even if you didn't come from another country, the idea of how do you make a home somewhere new is common to anyone who's either going to college, shifting towns.

The only thing which separates man from child is all the values he has lost over the years.

George W. Bush will not offer one word of criticism for any president. Not Clinton. Not Obama.

For they truly know their Lord in the breaking of bread, whose heart within them so vehemently burneth, whilst Thou, O blessed Jesus, dost walk and converse with them.