Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

People of the hundred, " he said, using an ancient Herrani phrase Arin was surprised he knew, "who leads you?"So many cried Arin's name that it no longer sounded like his name.

If it doesn't look like success, it isn't your true destiny on earth.

These archetypal older women in movies can sometimes make my skin crawl. It's about the one dimension it's about the lack of any texture.

[To a priest who smoked:] What a shame for a man to dress like a saint and smell like a devil!

My dreams are a stupid refuge, like an umbrella against a thunderbolt.

Film, as any immigrant will tell you, television and movies is the way we make sense of America when we first got here.

Putting a computer in front of a child and expecting it to teach him is like putting a book under his pillow, only more expensive

I love being around my family.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But there is always a time and a place for the subsets within genres.

You can kill the body, but not the spirit.