Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

To be given to the study of the scriptures is to discover more principles

Science does not limit itself merely to what is currently verifiable. But it is interested in questions that are potentially verifiable (or, rather, falsifiable).

This is what I think now: that the natural state of the sentient adult is a qualified unhappiness.

video games are the comic books of our time... It's a medium that gains no respect among the intelligentsia".

Google "Donald Trump Iraq." And you will see the dozens of sources which verify that he was for the invasion of Iraq.

I don't do my job to catch the bad guys. Why would I want to do that? No, I do my job to make order out of chaos.

It's a frightening thing. To go to France, the elder daughter of the church, it's always called, and you get the feeling the church has gone away.

I like Spike Lee a lot. He's incredibly gifted and I don't think he gets the credit he deserves as a filmmaker.

The Ironman World Championship is the hardest race I've competed in. Not only do the elements (heat, wind, humidity) make it grueling, but the quality of the field makes it a true test.

Cristiano is better than Messi, without a doubt. He's more of an all-round player