Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Not as much as it bothers me that you just grabbed me without even trying to warn me first. If you’re trying to undo ages of prejudice, maybe you should start by acting civil.

What lies between where you are and where you want to be sometimes requires traveling through the Twilight Zone.

There are days when I am envious of my hens: when I hunger for a purpose as perfect and sure as a single daily egg.

Imagine having "no chain of titles for cars, no VIN numbers, and no DMV. There'd be total chaos! But that's basically the system for debt.

The Ancient Mariner seizes the guest at the wedding feast and will not let go until he has told all his story: the prototype of the bore.

It's slightly complicated for people to grasp the idea of a head of state in human form.

The harder I train, the luckier I get!

You have to honor failure, because failure is just the negative space around success.

A poem is but a thought, a mere memory caught at play. From hand onto paper, bleeding thoughts emerge.

One has the idea of a stupid man as perfectly healthy and ordinary, and of illness as making one refined and clever and unusual.