Philanthropist: a rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Hadn't another wise man, the Buddha himself, warned about the evils of attachment?

Criminals were coming to Chechnya from all over the world - they did not have a place in their own countries. But they could live perfectly well in Chechnya.

Performing with anthrax in the building is not nearly as difficult as performing in a home where you might get stabbed at night.

Owning your own home is America's unique recipe for avoiding revolution and promoting pseudo-equality at the same time.

To myself I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast oceans of truth lie undiscovered before me

Fame is no plant that grows on mortal soil.

In 10 sessions you'll feel the difference, in 20 you'll see the difference, and in 30 you'll have a new body

We don't get to pick the genes we want. There's room in this world for beauty to be diverse.

I'm bringing what I've always wanted: film quality work on television. That's the way it should be.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.