Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Our body is designed to work for reaching a set goal

the enduring struggle to capture in words the infinite possibilities of a life not lived.

Man's nature, originally good and common to all, should develop unhampered.

Keep a note pad and pencil on your bedside table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 A.M.

I asked the Mesquite coach who he thought the best team in Mesquite is. He said they were about even.

I'm 43 years old and I'm the healthiest candidate for the Presidency of the United States. You've travelled with me enough to know that I'm not going to die in office.

Hardships drive some people apart. Others, like us, grow even closer.

I raised another shot. "That sound you hear is the heads of moral conservatives spontaneously exploding in the distance.

Every day a little life, a blank to be inscribed with gentle thoughts.

In order to attract and maintain romantic and spiritual partnerships, you must be what it is that you're seeking. That is, you always need to put forth what you want to attract.