Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Find strength in your heartbeat, than weakness with a beat heart. Take each breath as another chance, and love for a new day.

After all we have few friends, if we don't show that we care about them, we will reach 0 friends...

After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands.

Each day I also try to draw. It's a similar expulsion of buildup: Milking the cows every morning. Checking the chickens' eggs. Why should that be limited to a certain medium?

We part with tender relations stretching far behind us, that never can be exactly renewed, and with others dawning - yet before us.

Actors are such an insecure breed.

I'm more of a whiz on the guitar and drums. I hear certain sounds in my head, and I find it easy to translate them into synth sounds, but I'm not really technically-minded.

My career has been a gradual climb. I think that's part of the reason why I've had longevity.

Sometimes disaster is our teacher. I don't welcome it, but if it comes, there is something to be learned from it.

Comedy is quite difficult, you have to be able to have fun and portray that sense of fun to the audience watching you.