Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

People. You must love people. Men are admirable. I wantto vomit—and suddenly, there it is: the Nausea

I have never met anyone who gave back a heart they stole.

I am my own person. What I'm doing, I'm happy with it. I'm doing what I want to.

The brain's preferred source of fuel is glucose/carbohydrates. And when you go on a low-carb/high-protein diet, your brain is using low-octane fuel. You'll be a little groggy, a little grumpy.

Act with courage and dignity; stick to the ideals that give meaning to life.

The civil libertarians among us would rather defend the constitution than protect our nation's security.

When in doubt, make a western.

We've suffered a "Ponzification" of the economy in recent years, as bubbles have built up and then burst, and each time we act as though it's the first time.

It doesn't matter where I am; I'm yours.