Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I am living while I am living.

The great artists represent you. The great products represent you. They don't tell you who you are. But with them, you require less verbiage.

I've been writing a lot of songs in twos, songs that are like twins in my mind.

The last generation's worst fears became the next one's B-grade entertainment.

Well, the first time I ran into the term religion, people were asking whether you had any. You know, some people had religion and some people didn't have religion

If you ask me a question like what is your greatest accomplishment, it should be what I’m about to do

I believe I could commit a crime. We all can. It depends on which situations we find ourselves in. In despair, I would steal food if my children were hungry.

By faith we began, by hope we continue, and by revelation we shall obtain the whole.

I tell myself that, regardless of what source I draw on, I'm writing a new work for reasons peculiar to me and not an adaptation, and so feel, in the end, justified in singing it my way.

You have so many sources to draw on when you're a fantasy writer.