Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Every situation you conquer, you find the strength, your never knew you had.

You are capable of anything. Dream great dreams.

Logic will get you from A to Z

I seem to have secured some place in world of music and that's kind of all that really matters to me.

Im off to race around the world - a race against time and two men. I know I can beat time. I hope I can beat the men.

Just the fact that you're working is good for you.

Marriage and friendship were built on trust and loyalty. Not deceit and lies. Love could only be given. It could never be demanded.

The only true rule for cavalry is to follow the enemy as long as he retreats.

Ignorance is a poor tool in a battle of wits.

Gratitude is the most important attitude.