Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

It's the hardest thing in the world to go on being aware of someone else's pain.

When I first started getting into the business, a young woman in a music game that was mostly men, I did feel inadequate.

I don't want to be known just as 'Carrot Top.' I don't always want to be this crazy, goofy guy.

Unlike sitting at a computer screen, printing is very direct and hands-on.

When you're young, you just go banging about, but you're more sensitive as you grow older.

A lot of times naysayers are just people that have not taken the time yet.

Afflictions make the heart more deep, more experimental, more knowing and profound, and so, more able to hold, to contain, and beat more.

The jazz musician's function is to feel.

Darkest of all Decembers ever has my life known, Sitting here by the embers, stunned, helpless, alone.

I don't have much history - I've got Rosie Perez, Jennifer Lopez, Rita Moreno. That's it. That's the history of Latin women in Hollywood, really.