Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

There will be no fear of your becoming lethargic if you are continually familiar with internal realities.

I'm your worst damn nightmare, Skeletor. I'm a vampire killer with fangs and a grudge.

People don't know what it means to be champions. Oklahoma invented it.

It's Latin, which is an excellent language for mischief-making, which is why governments are so fond of it.

My wife once said that if men had to worry about who was going to clean up the mess, there'd be a lot less violence in the world.

Selfless giving is measured by how good you feel. Self giving should be obvious.

A shrinking economy means lost sales and lost jobs

I am in the world to change the world.

I did what any good rat would do. I bit down on the guard's hand until I tasted blood.

Little chickie la la, isn’t dumb enough to fall for that, guys. (Tabitha)