Politeness is fictitious benevolence.

Cucumber should be well sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Curiosity is one of the most permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous intellect.

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.

When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

Classical quotation is the parole of literary men all over the world.

A man who uses a great many words to express his meaning is like a bad marksman who, instead of aiming a single stone at an object, takes up a handful and throws at it in hopes he may hit.

There are minds so impatient of inferiority that their gratitude is a species of revenge, and they return benefits, not because recompense is a pleasure, but because obligation is a pain.

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.

He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts.

But some secrets are too delicious not to share.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

The erotic has often been misnamed by men and used against women. It has been made into the confused, the trivial, the psychotic, the plasticized sensation.

French was my first language.

I would probably be a teacher if I weren't a comedian.

Even in a hero's heart Discretion is the better part.

No half-heartedness and no worldly fear must turn us aside from following the light unflinchingly.

Pain teaches lessons no scholar can.

Treasures are not won by care and forethought but by swift slaying and reckless attack.

My brain tells me it will be better to just let him go. My heart... not so much.