Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.

Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down ? That's not my department.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

If I can't get people to commit themselves on whether or not there is a square root of two, then I won't touch on God or anything here

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity.

Always predict the worst, and you'll be hailed as a prophet.

If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.

Happiness is not in things

It is always safe to assume that people are more subtle and less sensitive than they seem.

I would go to the deeps a hundred times to cheer a downcast spirit. It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I might know how to speak a word in season to one that is weary.

A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.

The discoveries of modern science do not disagree with the oldest traditions which claim an incredible antiquity for our race.

The best antidote to worry, I have always believed, is work and more work.

Glee has made me feel beautiful.

I had a dream that I was captain of fate. I lost control and then I sank.

I'm a fan or naysayer like everyone else, not an authority of any kind.

Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.