Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.

Owning a computer without programming is like having a kitchen and using only the microwave oven

The dollar that's being paid the players has hurt the game. The players take advantage of coaches. The players' attitude is, "I make more than you, so don't tell me what to do."

I think Americans are good-hearted, open-minded people and race doesn't enter into this - at all.

I want to show you that you can leap tall buildings, walk through walls, and change reality.

I hope that I am winning a way which others will keep open.

There is indeed, perhaps, no better way to hold communion with the sea than sitting in the sun on the veranda of a fishermen's café

Bullies want to abuse you. Instead of allowing that, you can use them as your personal motivators. Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

In meditation, whatever happens is bound to be expressed in creativity.

The sense of death is most in apprehension.