Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Woman will always continue to be a cute riddle or a beautiful puzzle, in the meantime man believes that he solves it.

Ambition is greed without makeup.

Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution.

We should attempt to bring nature, houses, and human beings together in a higher unity.

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children.

This year I hope to introduce legislation that would require Power Administrations to list direct and indirect costs associated with ESA compliance as a line item on customer's power bills.

Man's moral nature is a riddle which only eternity can solve.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

It's perfectly ordinary to be a socialist. It's perfectly normal to be in favor of fire departments.

Jerkery knows no financial pedigree.